


The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy: XXXtended cut

by mariachiMushroom



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Aliens, Banter, Bathroom Sex, Cookies, Deepthroating, Dubious Consent, Hair-pulling, M/M, Oral Sex, Power Dynamics, Rough Oral Sex, Trapped In A Closet, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-19 22:53:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11907885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariachiMushroom/pseuds/mariachiMushroom
Summary: What if the ship ride had been just a little bit longer?





	The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy: XXXtended cut

“That’ll be 23 flippos,” said the alien snack cart attendant. Jerry exchanged a purple bill for a bag of petroleum flakes and a can of juice.

“Keep the change,” he said in his most suave voice. The attendant’s ten eyes widened, and they shoved the bill into a particularly bilious skin flap.

“Thank you so much, mister!” 

“Don’t mention it, sister,” replied Jerry. He tossed the bag to Rick. “Here’s your snack.”

“I want cookies!” Rick squeezed the bag until it popped, then crunched the flakes into pieces. Dust puffed from the opening.

“Hey, stop that, you’re making a mess,” said Jerry. He popped a flake fragment into his mouth. “See, they’re not so bad—ptbb!” The flake tasted like a chunk of asphalt. He spat out the pieces and wiped the taste from his mouth.

“See? Cookies better,” declared Rick. Even with the mental status of a three-year-old, Rick was still always right.

“Well, the snack cart already past us, so you’re not getting anything else.” Jerry shoved the remainder of the bag of flakes into the nearby trash receptacle. 

“Cooookkkkkeeesssss,” whined Rick, stretching out his vowels to the limits of his lungs. All around them, well-dressed aliens turned their heads.

“Come on Rick, people are staring.” Rick’s only response was to whine louder. Now the aliens were whispering behind their hands and hand-analogues. This was as bad as when toddler Summer threw a tantrum in the grocery store after they walked past the beanie baby rack. But Jerry’s years of parenting had taught him how to avoid a total meltdown: with bribery.

“Here, look Rick, do you want some yummy juice?” Jerry waved the can at Rick.

“Gimme!” Rick made grabby hands.

“Nuh-uh, not unless you promise to be quiet.”

“Fine.” Jerry handed Rick the can, realizing too late, Jerry realized that Rick might spill the drink all over himself. But muscle memory took over as soon as Rick touched the can. Rick punched a hole in the side with his thumb and mouthed the hole. He lifted it above his head and cracked open the top, letting the orange liquid pour straight down his throat. Rick shotgunned the drink with practiced skill, not choking or spilling a drop, then crushed the now-empty can. Then he blinked, snapping out of whatever pattern he had been caught up in. He examined the crushed can like he just realized he’d been holding it and held it in the light, turning it this way and that to change the reflection.

Jerry breathed a sigh of relief. Crisis averted! He pulled out a magazine and engrossed himself in the pre-and-post photoshop figures of alien celebrities. One species liked their females to be perfectly featureless white orbs, while another exaggerated the wrinkles on their cheekflaps. He was reading up on the top ten treatments for something called “spiral joint hair” when Rick tumbled into his lap.

“Get back in your seat, Rick.” Jerry pushed Rick away, but he resisted, planting a spiderlike palm in Jerry’s face.

“Gotta piss.” Since this ship was pretty much the opposite of economy, there was plenty of room for Rick to make it to the aisle, but he seemed to have some difficulty coordinating his limbs. As much as Jerry wanted to leave him to his own devices, he didn’t want to be responsible for any “accidents.” 

“Fine, I’ll help you,” Jerry grabbed Rick around the torso and guided him towards the end of the aisle. The lavatory door whooshed open automatically and Jerry manhandled Rick inside. “There. I hope you’re still housebroken.” Rick tugged at his belt, wiggling the loose strap back and forth, but not managing to undo it.

“Oh, for the love of—look here.” Jerry’s hands went to his belt. “Push the strap through the buckle, pull, then loosen.” He had to repeat his demonstration several times before Rick’s addled brain grasped it. Jerry pushed down his pants and pulled his dick out of his underwear, aiming it at the toilet.

“The pee-pee goes tinkle-winkle into the potty, got it?” Rick stared at Jerry’s penis, dumbfounded.

“It’s big.” A string of drool dripped from his mouth.

“Why yes, yes it is.” Jerry wasn’t porn-star large, but he was still in the 99th percentile for length, or at least that was what his algebra teacher told him. “Hello, Earth to Rick.” Jerry snapped his fingers in Rick’s face, making him flinch. “Did you get all that? Are you ready to use the big-boy potty?” 

“‘M not a kid,” Rick mumbled. He fumbled himself out of his pants and pissed into the toilet. Out of idle curiosity, not because he was gay or anything, Jerry glanced at Rick’s penis. It was surprisingly average sized, although no doubt it was chock-full of alien implants that made it glow in the dark and vibrate. For once today, Jerry had the advantage. At least, that’s what he told himself as he tucked his length back into his pants.

Just as the stream of urine slowed to a drip, the floor shook. Rick stumbled backwards into Jerry, spilling drops of urine all over the bathroom floor. The lights flickered, then returned at a dimmer level. A voice sounded on the intercom.

“This is the captain speaking, we’ve hit a patch of space debris. In-flight entertainment will not be available while we redirect power to the shields. For your safety, please remain seated.”

“What-what happened?” asked Rick. 

“Rock hits ship, lights go bye-bye.” Jerry flushed the toilet. “Come on, lets get back to our seats—” Jerry waved at the door. Nothing happened. “What—” Jerry banged on the door, but it didn’t budge. “No, let me out!” Whose brilliant idea was it to make a door with no handle? 

“What’s wrong?” asked Rick.

“I’m trapped in an alien bathroom, with my idiot in-law on a ship that might crash at any moment! What could possibly be wrong!” Jerry shouted. Rick shrank back against the wall.

“You’re mad.”

“Obviously.” Rick’s brow furrowed, like he was working through a crazy complicated math problem.

“I made you mad,” Rick concluded.

“Well, duh-doy. Hey genius, got any more bright ideas?” Rick’s brow furrowed. 

“I make you stop mad.”

“And how are you going to do that, pray tell?” Rick got to his knees and shuffled over, kneeling in front of Jerry. It was a good look for Rick, contrition. Jerry wished he could take a photo.

Then Rick planted his face square in Jerry’s crotch. Jerry jerked and pushed Rick away. That was just a mistake, right? He’d been pushed forward by the ship’s shaking. But the floor hadn’t moved.

“What are you doing?” 

“Stopping mad.” Rick strained forward against Jerry’s hand.

“A ha ha,” Jerry laughed nervously. “This is a joke right, you can’t seriously want to—” Rick grabbed first one hand and then another and pinned them at Jerry’s side before mouthing at Jerry’s crotch. “Oh my god you’re not joking.” He should push Rick away, he really should. This was so wrong. Rick was a member of the family, a gross, flatulent old man, and drugged to boot. The smart decision would be to kick him away and lecture him on why “privates” were called “privates.”

But Jerry Smith was not a smart man. He sat there, dumbfounded by the warm mouth on his crotch. It had been so long since he’d felt the loving caress of another, and he could only get low-res porn gifs with his shitty internet connection. Jerry stirred in his pants despite himself.

Rick kneaded his cheekbone against Jerry’s growing bulge, the pressure and denim friction insanely stimulating. Before long, Jerry’s dick strained against the pants, creating a sizeable ridge. Rick used his mouth to shift Jerry’s erection upright, mouthing from the base to the tip and back down again, like he couldn’t wait to taste raw skin. It was good. It was so good, and he hadn’t even taken his pants off. 

At some point in this process, Rick had let go of Jerry’s hands in favor of groping his clothed balls, adding another layer of pleasure. Fuck, how could this be so hot? Rick mouthing desperately at his dick like it was a bottle of whiskey, his heavy breathing, the desperation in every movement. Having the most powerful man in the world at his knees, hungry for his dick. Jerry imagined how good it would feel to ram his dick down Rick’s throat, how warm and tight and soft it would be, and nearly came right then. He grabbed Rick by the hair and pulled him away, earning a high-pitched whine.

Rick’s lips were rubbed red by the coarse cloth, his eyes blown. Jerry looked down, and yes, his dick was at attention. Jerry made a show of palming his erection, giving it a squeeze. Rick’s eyes tracked his hand, like he wanted to take its place. 

“Is this what you want?” 

Rick nodded.

“Big boys use their words, Rick,” Jerry said in his most patronizing tone. “Tell me what you want.”

“I want it, I-I want your dick. Please?” 

“Well, how could I say no to that?” Jerry slowly unbuckled his pants, adding in some extraneous bulge-grabs. The button popped open from the force against it. Jerry freed his seven inches from its cotton prison and wrapped his hand around the shaft. Fuck, when was the last time he was this hard? He peeled his uncut foreskin back, exposing the head swollen and shiny with precum. Rick struggled forward against the hand in his hair, but Jerry pulled him back, forcing him to look up. “Fuck, Rick, I could spray my babyjuice on you right now.” Rick moaned. His fingers made divots in Jerry’s thighs. “You’d like that, you slut. How much do you want me?” 

Rick reached his tongue out, seeking the bead of salty fluid collecting from Jerry’s tip. Jerry pressed his dickhead against Rick’s tongue, painting it with a thin layer of precum. The tongue, so soft, so wet, so yielding, lapped at the bottom of his frenulum. Jerry rocked against the soft surface, drawing a little deeper into Rick’s mouth with each thrust. Fuck, he needed to feel those lips around him. He let go of Rick’s hair, and Rick sprang forward.

Too late, Jerry realized that Rick might have forgotten an important fact about the penis, namely its weakness to teeth, but muscle memory took over as soon as Rick’s hand closed around his shaft. With one hand, Rick pointed Jerry’s length towards his mouth, and with the other, he fondled Jerry’s balls. He shoved Jerry’s dick straight down his throat and swallowed without choking.

The blowjob was mind-meltingly good. Rick alternated between swallowing down deep, massaging Jerry’s tip with the hot, tight muscles of his throat, and pulling back and rapidly bobbing his lips against the crest of the head. His hand kneaded the shaft behind the balls, putting pressure against something deep and good inside him. Jerry mewled and bucked helplessly, losing himself in the tiny catch of his dickhead against Rick’s teeth, the suction drawing each drop of precum up his shaft, the relentless pace in which his man-handle was manhandled. It wasn’t long until his balls tightened, his penis swollen to impossible hardness.

Jerry groaned and grabbed Rick’s head with both hands, ramming his dick in as far as possible. Rick looked up in alarm as his nose jammed against his pubic bone. His throat spasmed, like it was trying to cough him up, but Jerry held him in place. Heedless of Rick’s choked gurgles, Jerry released wave after wave inside Rick’s throat, injecting him with the full contents of his balls. His pleasure crested high as a deadly rollercoaster.  

“Hungry for Jerry, huh Rick?” he panted. “Hungry for Jerry?” He thrust a few more times before he was completely spent. All the strength had gone out of him with his massive load, and he collapsed backwards onto the toilet, letting go of Rick’s head. Rick gasped and coughed, his body hunched over. Jerry really should check on how he was doing, but his limbs were just so heavy. It would be so easy to take a little nap— 

A shadow fell on Jerry’s face. He cracked open an eye and saw Rick looming over him, his face shrouded by darkness. Oh shit. How long was that neutralizing drug supposed to last?

“Hey, calm down, I got carried away by the moment. It happens to everyone, right?”

“My turn.” Rick tugged at his dick, now an angry red. A few drops of urine still clung to its tip, the odor pungent.

“Now, I’m sure we can work something else out—” 

The door flew open. Jerry had never been so happy to have someone barge in while he was on the toilet.

“See, Rick, we have to get back to our seats now, someone else is trying to use the bathroom.” Jerry turned to his rescuer only for his stomach to drop. It was that alien who wanted to kill Rick, holding a gun pointed right at them.

“Now this makes things much easier.”

***

The ride home was especially awkward. Rick and Jerry were stuck in an escape pod the size of a Volkswagon Beetle, which they had, in silent agreement, divided into two halves. Jerry spent most of the trip cultivating an interest in the pinprick stars outside the window. None of the patterns lined up to what he remembered from Earth. He was in uncharted territory, a lone spec in an uncaring cosmos. Rick’s arm clicked threateningly from his side of the escape pod. He might have been fixing it, but it looked like he was just opening and closing it while staring off into space.

“So, Rick,” Jerry ventured, “are you okay?” Rick closed his mechanical arm. He leaned back in his chair, still not looking at Jerry.

“What do you think, Jerry, I just had my brain shoved in a blender and poured back into my skull.” The words were dismissive, but the tone was exhausted.

“Do you remember anything?” If the neutralizing drug also made Rick forget, Jerry could get off scott-free.

“Uhrg, I wish I could forget.” Rick made a face. “I’ve still got pubic hair stuck in my teeth. Someone needs to work on his BJ etiquette.” 

“Well, I wasn’t expecting to get blown on this trip.” Jerry crossed his arms defensively.

“You weren’t expecting anything except for a brief period of unconsciousness, followed by another pathetic day in the life of Jerry Smith.”

“Hey, you came onto me!”

“Oh sure, I bet that’s the line you use on all the ladies. I don’t remember you trying all that hard to stop me. Where’s the minibar on this escape pod?” Rick patted the walls, avoiding Jerry’s gaze.

“Look, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” said Jerry. Rick reached under the chair. “I shouldn’t have let you blow me, and I shouldn’t have treated you like a baby. And I guess those cookies really would have been better than the petroleum flakes. I’m sorry.” In his effort to explore the underside of the chair, Rick had shoved his head so deep between his legs, he resembled a human pretzel. He ignored Jerry’s words like it was so much static. “Hello, I’m invalidating my masculinity by trying to apologize here!”

“Aha!” Rick dragged out a small box and held it up triumphantly. “These pods always have something to make the rich forget they almost died.” He fished out a nip bottle. “Now that’s what I’m talking about!”

“I’m sorry!” Jerry yelled at Rick, who finally looked him in the face.

“Yesh, I heard you the first time.” He swigged the entire contents of the bottle in one gulp. “No need to yell.”

“You’re not even going to acknowledge it?”

“Jerry, we both know this is more about clearing your conscience than actually apologizing. It’s not like your apology is worth a damn, I could get you begging just by pointing this—” Rick opened his mechanical arm, “—at you.” Jerry retreated back to his side of the pod. What was the point of being vulnerable around Rick when he was going to use them to tear him down? No sense in giving him more ammo.

More awkwardness, filled by crunching noises as Rick dug into an alien snack. Jerry peeked at what he was eating. It was a curved cylinder heavily dusted with orange powder, sort of like a cheeto but skinnier.

“For the record,” said Rick with his mouth full, “you don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“Huh?”

“I couldn’t let that 100% USDA Prime frank go to waste.” 

“Hold on. You mean you liked giving oral sex?”

“Only you would call it something that lame. But yes, I like sucking dick.” Rick licked the orange dust from his fingers. He didn’t seem like the type of person to take orders in bed. But when faced with a superior appendage— 

“Oh ho ho. I see what’s going on here,” Jerry smirked. “You’re jealous. Couldn’t stand the idea of a bigger man living in the house?”

“Jerry, I didn’t know how big your dick was when I ruined your marriage. You of all people should know that dick size doesn’t have anything to do with intelligence, or bravery, or ability to provide for a family.” All low blows, but Jerry was still riding the high of knowing that he’d fucked the smartest man in the universe.

“Except when it comes to blow jobs.” Rick rolled his eyes.

“Yes, except when it comes to blowjobs. You know, normally I have standards.” Jerry’s conscience twinged. He had treated the neutralized Rick very poorly. For all he knew, that was how Rick saw Jerry’s intelligence all the time, and Rick had never coerced him into sex.

“About that. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you when you were drugged.”

“Eh.” Rick shrugged. “Not the first time it’s happened. If it had to be anyone though, at least you wouldn’t cause any permanent damage.”

“So we’re cool?”

“We are never going to be ‘cool,’” Rick said with air quotes. “But I guess you can have the rest of these grubbos.” Rick handed him the bag of snacks.

“Thanks!” Jerry popped a grubbo into his mouth. It tasted a bit like a cheeto, but much denser and crunchier. Jerry pulled out another grubbo and inspected it. Under the orange dust, he could make out a line of curled legs attached to a segmented body.

“Uhrg!” Jerry flung the bag away and spat out the remnants of the alien insect in his mouth. Rick burst into laughter.

“The look on your face! God I wish I had a camera.” Rick popped open another bag. “Aww yeah, cookies!” He shoved a cookie into his mouth. “That was the real emotional payoff we’ve all been waiting for,” he shouted, flinging damp crumbs throughout the escape pod. “It wasn’t about sex or male bonding, it was about cookies! Rick and cookies, one hundred years, bitches!” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This episode really brought out my sub!Rick desires. The new season has been very inspiring in general.
> 
> I commissioned some art of Rick blowing Jerry from tumblr user rickandmorty-18plus. Go check it out at: <http://rickandmorty-18plus.tumblr.com/post/164612735949/commission-for-dick-and-horny-an-illustration>
> 
> If you like my content and want to see more, please leave kudos and comments!


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